“Oh, you’re not fat—you’re just big-boned!”
这是我一生都从善良的朋友，家人和陌生人那里听到的一句话。但是，当他们将我强大的5'10英寸框架称为“大拳头”和“曲线”时，我不禁会听到“胖”一词，即使他们并没有完全说出来。
在我的青少年和十几岁的整个年份中，这些对我身体的评论繁殖不安全感，并导致了一个不健康的评论body image。最终，我不仅感到“大”的妖untiully，笨重，大个子或任何其他类型的术语：我觉得这个特征使我不值得和不可思议。
Today, I’ve learned to appreciate my body for its shape. Being strong and tall allows me to power through climbs inindoor cycling classes，甚至在前排吸烟的常客。但是我花了很长时间才能到达今天的位置 - 这并不容易。
As a kid, despite my dislike for the way my body looked, I always admired what it could do.
我较重的建筑有助于我从小就超越体育运动。那些嘲笑和窃笑的男孩应该被迫在音乐班期间握住我的手，首先选择我参加P.E.的团队。班级。与我班上的其他女孩相比，我增加的体重和身高是一项资产 - 我可以从反对足球队的成员中，只有站在射手旁边，我的身体几乎没有我的身体和篮球投篮。这些身体特征给了我才华，最重要的是，在我拼命想取悦的男孩的那一圈中接受。
So, in a sense, I didn’t hate my body entirely. I hated the way it looked—always lumbering over my appropriately sized friends in pictures (I was the second-tallest person in my sixth-grade class photo, both boys and girls). But I did feel empowered by it each time I’d outrun another girl on the soccer field or came in first in the mile run in gym class.
我与我的人物的爱情仇恨关系继续穿过初中和高中。每次男孩都会开玩笑地问我，或者在沿着走廊上行走时呼吸中的一些难以理解的评论，那天晚些时候，我只是将重点放在练习中。我必须大大帮助我的团队获胜。
When sports ended and college began, so did the purpose for my larger frame.
My size was no longer a positive attribute that gave me power, and I was back to feeling like the “fat girl” who was unlovable. To deal, I’d drink, hitting up the bars Thursday through Sunday. While part of it was to mask my沮丧，这也是我唯一相信我会从男人那里得到任何性或浪漫的关注的时候之一 - 当他们喝醉时。
大学毕业后一直依赖聚会，直到我和一个男人一起遇到一个小尖峰的一个晚上 - 我什至不记得那是什么，他结束了我们的互动，从本质上讲是我的互动。
It wasn’t the first time a stranger had call me fat, but something about this exchange was different. I reached a breaking point. It wasn’t what he said or did—it was how I felt in that moment. Dehydrated from drinking too much alcohol. Exhausted from constantly beinghungover。Depressed and filled with self-loathing that made me never want to leave my apartment. I had gotten to the point where I was partying and doing pretty much nothing else. I knew I needed to change, and in my mind, that change meant not being the “big” girl anymore.
I decided I needed to lose weight—or at least I thought that was the answer to my problems.
So I did. I lost weight—a lot, and very quickly. I hired a coach, consulted my sister for advice (a bodybuilding figure competitor with experience in extreme dieting and exercise techniques), and announced to my friends and my boyfriend that my life and routine would be irreversibly changing for the better. But while I doggedly tried to convince those closest to me that the weight loss was purely for “wellness” reasons, I thought (and hoped) it would help my depression disappear.
When I first started losing weight, my friends and family were really complimentary. And truthfully, the compliments I’d receive were addictive. But my euphoria would simmer slightly in those instances where the compliments seemed slightly backhanded.
“You look amazing,” one acquaintance said one evening, after he had a fair amount of alcohol. “I mean, you looked cute before. But now you’re like, really hot.”
To be fair, this guy wasn’t exactly a close friend of mine—I had always considered him somewhat of a d-bag. Still, comments like these would cause that inner, self-loathing little girl to surface. Was I not enough before? Was my life only now beginning 20 pounds lighter?
Still, while I looked trim in pictures, I didn’t feel any better inside.
What I did feel, however, was a性欲暴跌(much to my then-boyfriend’s dismay), constant昏睡，增加痤疮和严重的身体问题。我会在黎明裂开之前醒来，爬上一个无尽的楼梯一个小时，上班，然后每周返回体育馆以相同的重复运动来举重。我想接受男朋友的感情和床上的进步，所以我知道我们的关系迫切需要它。但是，害怕甚至牺牲一盎司的睡眠来为我的早晨锻炼以外的其他事情都在努力，我为此而讨厌自己。
Once I hit that 20-pound weight-loss mark, I plateaued hard. The number I’d see on the scale each morning would dictate my mood for the duration of the day, and once I was bouncing back and forth between the same two to three pounds, most of those days were dismal. I also started wearing a sport corset to work to cinch my waist. I became moody and agitated after I’d eat and feel totally uncomfortable. (Not to mention, the fish I would continuously microwave at 9 A.M. each morning as a part of my diet wasn’t exactly making me the most popular person in the office.)
While my life might’ve looked fine from the outside, I was living inside a hamster wheel. I was still depressed, and was feeling the effects of it. I felt weaker and more exhausted than ever. That appreciation I once had for my physical prowess was gone. Still, I figured it was a phase—so long as a stuck with the gym and continued to lose weight, all of my problems would be solved.
当然，就像所有强烈且不太健康的饮食和运动计划一样，失败是不可避免的。
Mine collapsed a year and a half ago when I decided to move from Arizona to New York City for a new job. I had no friends or family in New York, and was leaving behind my serious then-boyfriend. I was all on my own, and I needed to find a place to live and learn how to take the subway. I simply couldn’t waste any energy on worrying about how I looked. I had to survive first—and the endless supply of bodega bagels, pizza, and cheesecake at my disposal didn’t necessarily help: I traded home-cooked, portioned meals for lots of Seamless takeout. What’s more, while I was still attempting to do those same monotonous workouts, I was half-assing them and simply going through the motions.
A few months in, once the initial excitement from trekking across the country died down, my body once again became a focal point. When I stepped on the scale for the first time after moving (roughly six months after I moved and stopped dieting and obsessively working out), I learned I had gained almost all of the weight back. Seeing those familiar numbers again was crushing, but I didn’t have the mental energy to start an intense weight-loss journey all over again. On top of that, I broke up with previously mentioned boyfriend, which only made me feel more miserable.
I set out to find a workout that would simply distract me from my breakup, and ended up finding so much more.
在我依靠的那些单调锻炼之前，我不太擅长让我心碎。当我在椭圆机上来回奔跑或抬起10磅dumbbellfor the seemingly 100th time, all I could do was fixate on my vacant, exhausted expression in the mirror and cue up the same Spotify playlist I had relied for a year and a half. Post-breakup and living in a new city, I knew now might be the optimal time to find something a bit more immersive and experiential to shake things up. Conveniently, around that time I was also able to nab a position as a writer for ClassPass, which allowed me to do just that: tour the city’swide array of fitness studiosfor free. And when I saw an indoor cycling studio just a few blocks from my apartment, I opted to give it a try. I was immediately hooked.
From the low lights to the pulsing music and cheery,supportive instructors, those classes eventually became almost-daily therapeutic sessions. Whereas my previous workouts consisted of machines positioned in front of televisions, the cycling studio felt like a high-stakes nightclub, a sensory experience even the most jolted cup of coffee couldn’t supply. From my burning quads and hamstrings to core and arms, I felt that same total-body release after each session that I had experienced on the soccer field nearly 15 years ago. I felt alive.
更重要的是,我实际上是擅长它。虽然米y cardiovascular stamina certainly had something to do with it, I knew my long, muscular legs also played a part. For the first time since I played soccer and excelled in P.E. class back in grade school, my body finally felt like an asset again. An agent of power. And I began to realize that what my body looked like had absolutely nothing to do with that power.
我学到的最重要的东西？我的幸福不必与我的体重联系在一起。
上周，我stepped on the scale，尽管我的权重甚至比两年前开始初次减肥之旅时都要重，但我从未感觉过好。从我的能量水平到自信，再到每天早晨醒来时的身体，骑自行车都改变了与身体有关的运动的关系。我不会减肥，但我从未感到健康和快乐。
Do I still wince each time someone (with the best intentions) tells me I’m big-boned or curvy? You bet. Do I find my figure more attractive than what it was two years ago when I was 20 pounds lighter? Not exactly—I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wistfully look at those pictures of me in a bikini two years ago. But part of growing older is having the ability (and confidence) to pinpoint what factors truly contribute to individual happiness. I’ve finally come to realize that true happiness isn’t tied to compliment showers from friends or fitting into size 2 jeans. My happiness is, and will always be, derived from what I achieve—whether I do it with my brain or my strong, powerful body.
